just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
