She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
