im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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