He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Found the puke drawer
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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