Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
