what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
