I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
