If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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