Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
