The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
