I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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