I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
