And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
