in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
