That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
