I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So vagazzling was a success
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
