I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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