Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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