my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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