I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
