im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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