Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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