burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
