she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
