I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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