She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
