the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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