I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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