I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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