So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
