Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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