a queef is a wish your heart makes.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
