don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
