sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
