Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
