He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
