sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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