he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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