Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
