She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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