don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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