I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
