if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
