hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
