my sisters under your porch take her home
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I love you.
Bad choice
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
