I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize