Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
