Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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