hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
