my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
