I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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