She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
