I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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