...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
