Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
